"So, this whole submission thing," Nicole starts as she and I have lunch. Now that she and I are friends again, we've become much closer, a lot more trusting, and now that she's found Kate's blog, I can't stop her from questioning about mine and Kate's relationship, especially since she's not disapproving about it.
"Yeah?" I prompt, letting her know it's ok to continue.
"Whaddyou like about it? I mean...whaddyou you guys do?" she asks, her cheeks red.
I take a drink of my lemon water as I think of what to tell her. "Well, it all depends on what you agree to do with each other. It's all about consent between both parties. Kate and I, the things we do change as we get more comfortable with each other."
She nods, licking her lips before taking a large gulp from her water bottle. "S-So, like, what're you comfortable with now?"
I explain to her about doing chores and subspace, and about punishments if I do something wrong. I don't tell her anything about the bedroom, because that just feels too intimate to tell my friend, no matter what. "But really, it all depends on how we're feeling for the day," I finish. "It's usually never the same each day."
She suddenly smiles, and it's not the same smile she would've given me before, when it was us and Mike. "You've really changed. It's good! I mean, you're not such a doormat. You're...I don't know, you're just really...relaxed and confident now. It's good."
I can't help but smile, too. "Thanks. I just...I have a really good girlfriend."
She snickers and pats my shoulder. "Yeah, yeah, don't rub it in! I'm still lookin' for a new boyfriend! One who's not a cheating asshole."
"He's out there. Just gotta find him," I assure her. "Maybe you'll be his dom," I add teasingly.
She rolls her eyes, but hums. "I dunno. The thought of a man doing whatever I say is a very good thought."
"Don't get carried away now," I warn her.
When I get home, Kate is sitting on the couch with an enormous smile on her face and a large box in her lap. A nervous smile breaks out on my face, too. "They came?" I guess, setting my bag down to join her on the couch.
She nods excitedly. "Baby, I've been just -God, just DYING to open this since I got home!"
Warmth flutters in my chest, knowing she waited for me to get home before she opened it. "Well, I'm here, so let's get it open."
She squeaks and grabs the scissors from the coffee table -she probably put them there before I got here. I watch anxiously as she cuts the box open and pulls it open; all in all reminding me of a kid on Christmas. Inside is a thick instruction manual and several large bags of colourful hemp rope. Our new shibari kit has finally arrived.
I take the instruction manual and flip through it as Kate opens the bags and feels the rope. The scent of hemp fills the air as I look at the step-by-step instructions on how to tie the knots for each pattern. There are a few that are suspended, but we don't have any hooks so we don't need to worry about that.
"Here, honey, feel," Kate tells me, holding out some a section of royal blue rope. I run my fingers along it and blink when I find how soft it actually is. "Lot better than actual rope, right?" she smirks.
"WAY better," I grin, thankful that she's not into that. "Will you use...ALL of this?" I ask when I notice just how much there is in just one bag.
"If I want, I can cut sections of it to fit my needs. Like, if I just wanna use enough to restrain your wrists or thighs. But if I was gonna, say, do a full-body pattern, it'd probably require the full length, depending on how intricate the knots are."
I nod my head, feeling my heart pounding at the thought of being completely at her mercy like that, totally bound and helpless. "Can we...Are we still, um-?"
"We're still starting slow, honey," Kate tells me firmly, placing her hand on my shoulder.
I take a shaky breath and nod, relieved. "Ok. I'm so-"
"Don't apologize," she says, shaking her head. "You don't need to apologize for being nervous, Zoe. This is a big step. This is you trusting me to retrain you." She blinks and rubs her temple then. "Actually...baby, I just remembered something."
"What?" I ask.
She sets the box on the floor and turns toward me, taking my hands like she does when she wants my full attention. "Shibari can be really fun in the bedroom. With the right pattern, it can hit the right pressure points and tug in the right places and if you lose yourself in the loss of control, it can be really fun, just like with all other kinds of bondage. Shibari can be used for more than just pleasure in the bedroom, though," she starts. "I could probably put you into subspace with it, too."
My eyes widen at her words. "H-How? You'd be tying me up! Wouldn't that be the opposite of putting me into subspace?!"
She smiles a bit before getting serious again as she shakes her head. "You said you love it when I hold you. I know shibari patterns that hold you in a way that feels like you're being held. And I know they take enough time that just tying you up would probably calm you down enough to get you into subspace. I could hold you when I got you tied up. And the pressure points, if you're not aroused, could still calm you down."
I almost can't believe what she's saying. There's no way that she could tie me up and it would send me into subspace. There's just no way I'd be relaxed enough while she's literally binding me with rope! Subspace is supposed to be all about me feeling safe! I can't feel safe if she's doing that! I'm already pushing my limits with her tying me up while having sex!
"Zoe, baby, look at me. Zoe, breathe." Kate grabs my wrists and holds them in her hands, and looks me in the eyes. "Zoe, breathe, you need to calm down." Her grip on my wrists tightens, and I focus on that contact, on that strength, and I try to match my breathing to hers. "That's it, good girl," she praises. I stare into her eyes, taking shallow breaths and focussing on her hands grasping my wrists, until she relaxes and leans forward to kiss my forehead. "You're gonna give me a heart attack one day."
"'m sorry," I mumble before I can stop it.
She doesn't let got of my wrists, but I find I don't want her to just yet. I still need to focus on her keeping hold of me, like she's holding me in place so I don't fall apart. "What got you so upset, sweetheart?" she asks softly.
I bite my lip, tears making my eyes burn, but I don't want to pull my hands away to wipe them just yet. "I don't...I don't get how I can go into sub-subspace tied up."
Suddenly, she lets go of my wrists, and the tears fall and I feel so confused and shaken and I don't know whether to shout at her for letting go -for letting me fall apart- or just cry. But then she grasps my wrists again, tight and warm, pushes my wrists together until they're almost in a prayer position, and I hiccup and feel the tears stop, like the burning was soothed. I feel safe again.
She smiles. "How do you feel right now?" she asks me.
I sniffle. "Like...Like you're holding me together."
She nods. "That's what I've heard some subs say they've felt like when they're in subspace like this. Like they're being held together. They feel safe and protected." She lets go of my wrists again, much slower this time, and pulls me into her lap, into her arms. She holds me so tight it almost hurts, but I feel so safe and cared for in her embrace that I don't dare move. "This. You say you like it when I hold you like this?" I nod against her shoulder. "This is pretty much exactly what shibari feels like. And I'll bet I can get you down like this if you trust me."
Of course I trust her. I trust her with my life. She's made every day of my life Heaven ever since I met her. I love her more than anyone in the world. I'm sure she could do anything. "I'll bet you could," I smile.
She hums for a moment. "You wanna try something really simple?"
"...Right now?" I ask, my heart beginning to pick up.
She holds me a little tighter and rubs between my shoulderblades. "That hold I had on your wrists. I could do a simple knot just like that. See how you like it? You can stop me at any time and I'll untie you. Promise. And you don't have to apologize or feel bad. This isn't a test. You won't be punished."
The thought doesn't really make it any less nerve-wracking for me. But I am curious and I do just wanna get my fear of this conquered. Is it really so bad? Come on, Zoe. Woman up! "Ok," I sigh. "Just the wrists."
She chuckles. "Just the wrists. Cross my heart."
She unwraps one of her arms and reaches out. I turn my head as she keeps me in her lap but uses her hands to pull some of the navy blue rope from the bag. There are little black lines on the rope that I hadn't noticed before. I watch as she seems to count them, and I realize they must be footmarks, like in hardware stores. My heart picks up again as she seems to just keep going. How many feet does she need for this "simple knot"? Finally, she take the scissors and cuts the rope.
"All right, baby, I need you to sit in front of me. I can't do this with you in my lap," she tells me.
I don't want to get off her lap, but I know I can't make her happy otherwise. So I move back until I'm back where I was before, and offer her my wrists, just like I had them before. A jolt of warmth rushes through me when she smiles at me. I love it when she's proud of my submission.
"This is how it's gonna work," she explains. "I'm gonna wrap the rope aroud your wrists several times, then three times around your arms and torso so your arms are bound to your chest. You're basically going to be holding your arms to yourself like this," she says, holding her arms to her chest to demonstrate, and just seeing her like that makes me feel a bit less anxious. "I did this a million times in my shibari class. This is one of the most basic techniques. And I can get you out of it in less than a minute, even without scissors. Ok?"
I take a deep breath and nod my head. "Yeah. Yeah, ok."
She smiles again and kisses my forehead once more, making me feel even more relaxed. "Focus on breathing," she tells me. And then she starts to wrap the rope around my wrists. I keep my eyes on her, I look at her hair, on the stray curls, on her beauty marks, her long lashes, her lush lips. "You're doing a good job, baby. Just keep still and breathe." Her words are quiet, and I watch the way her lips form them, the way her lips work over her teeth. I can feel her working the rope around my wrists and forearms, and every few minutes, she asks me if it's too tight, and I flex my hands and shake my head, and she keeps going. I close my eyes when she knots my wrists and gets up to wrap the rope around my arms and chest and knot that, too. "All done, baby. Feel ok?"
I flex my hands again, barely able to separate my wrists, and when I flex my arms, the rope hardly gives me room to move, either. It does remind me of her tight hugs. Of her holding me so tight that I feel like a baby being swaddled. Safe. I'm safe. Kate will never let anything happen to me. These ropes are just an extension of Kate.
"Zoe?" I hear Kate ask.
I slowly nod my head, feeling myself starting to slip into the comforting blankness. "'m fine."
I feel her hands on my shoulders as she moves around, and I open my eyes as she cups my chin and looks at me. Her smile only makes me smile. "Not too deep. But I don't expect you to fall so hard on the first try." She gently kisses my lips, and I can feel her smile as I hum, wanting more. "I'll let you stay like this as long as you're comfortable, but no more than twenty minutes. And at ten minutes, I'm going to lay you down. If you feel anything going numb, you tell me. Understand?"
"Mm-hm," I hum.
"Ok," she chuckles. "C'mere, baby." She carefully turns me around and pulls me against her, wrapping her arms around my waist. My head lolls back onto her shoulder as she kisses my neck. "My good girl. You look so beautiful right now." I shiver at her words. How DO I look right now? Tied up in this dark blue rope, sitting cradled in her arms. Do I really look beautiful? "So, so beautiful, baby." I must be talking out loud again. "Yes, you are, baby. You're so cute." I whimper when she nibbles on my earlobe. "I love you so much."
"Mm, love you, too," I murmur.
She chuckles again. "You sound so high right now. I should record you one day."
"Don' pos' it on your bolg, blig, BLOG," I say.
She snickers, her fingers gently rubbing my side. "I promise I won't. This. This is just for you and me."
I don't know if she keeps talking after that or not. I feel like I'm getting a hug from her from the ropes, but her hands are free to rub my side and run through my hair. I'm warm and safe and loved and I can't think of anything else. After a little while, Kate moves us so we're lying on our sides, and she rubs my back like usual. I really could fall asleep like this. I feel so calm. And I suddenly realize I can't do anything wrong while I'm bound. Kate can't give me anything difficult to do while I'm like this. I can't fail. The thought only makes me relax even further.
It feels way too soon when Kate is helping me sit up and telling me to come back. I don't wanna come back yet. This is the best subspace I've ever been in. Why would I ever wanna leave? But I know if I don't, she'll get worried, and I don't want that. So I let her pull me back out, and just seeing her smiling down at me, so proud and happy, makes it worth it.
"I'm gonna untie you now. Stay still," she tells me, moving behind me. I close my eyes and take deep breaths as she starts to undo the knots and unwrap everything. It feels like it takes a lot less time undoing everything, kind of like the way home from a road trip. But when the last of the rope is undone from my wrists and I can move, Kate takes my hands and kisses my knuckles before moving down to kiss my wrists and my arms. I shudder at the incredibly tender touch of her lips, at how sweet she continues to be to me. And then I shudder and realize I actually feel COLD.
Kate notices the goosebumps on my arms and pulls the blanket off the back of the couch, wrapping it around me. "You'll get even colder when you come down when you're naked," she tells me, rubbing my arms. "It's your body coming down from its high. Kind of like an adrenaline rush. You should be familiar with those, miss nurse," she smirks.
I roll my eyes, just wanting to get closer and feed off of her warmth. "Go make me some hot chocolate. Isn't that part of our aftercare?"
She throws her head back and laughs, making my heart pound. "Yes, your majesty! My apologies!" She kisses the top of my head and rubs my shoulder before getting up and heading to the kitchen. I burrow into the blanket and sigh. I just wanna sleep for a week. I feel like I just had an orgasm -although this doesn't compare to that orgasm Kate gave me when she strapped the vibrator to her strap-on; God, I actually passed out because it felt so good! Kate teased me for three days.
I burrow even deeper into the blanket and giggle when I smell chocolate. I have the best girlfriend in the world.
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