Kara, Nicole, and I become this little sub group. We brought Nicole to freeDOM after she expressed some interest in the "sub-scene" as Kara put it, and she found a guy that she quickly took a liking to. Hannah and Kate knew him in college and say he's a good guy so I think he's ok. But anyway, we three girls get together once a week -me and Nicole more just because we're in the same college- to just hang out and drink and whine about our doms since they're not around. It's fun to have real friends and to just chill.
"Oh, God, but really, when you give Hannah some chocolate, you can turn HER into a sub," Kara laughs.
"Same with Kate!" I giggle. "I swear, Valentine's Day, I got her to do whatever I wanted!"
"You guys gotta teach me all your tricks. I'm so new to this," Nicole whines.
"Oh, c'mon, Damien can't be that hard to manipulate," I smirk.
She sighs and leans back on the couch. "He's mysterious. Like, he always makes me do a double-take."
"Better make sure he doesn't make you try and anticipate what he wants if he keeps that up," Kara tells her.
I nod my head. "True, true. Maybe you should talk it out with him."
She sighs again and rolls over so she's laying in my lap. "Like the contract thing?"
"Hey, don't knock it!" Kara chuckles. "Contracts are the bases for all BDSM relationships. I have one with Hannah."
"And even me and Kate have one," I add.
"So what does a contract mean?" Nicole asks, reaching for her glass of cake vodka.
"Your limits, hard and soft. What you're comfortable with in and out of the bedroom. That kind of stuff," Kara explains, sipping from her own vodka.
I nod in agreement. "My list is weird," I blush.
Both of my friends give me shit-eating grins. "Ooh, what's in YOUR contract?" Kara asks.
I flush even more and cover my eyes with my free hand. "Well, for one thing, Kate and I actually do shibari."
"WHAT?! You guys really do that?!" she shouts.
"Oh, my GOD! Zoe! Why didn't you tell me?! What's it like?!" Nicole asks.
I set my glass down and shrug my shoulders, trying not to blush even more than I already am. "I-It's hard to describe! L-Like, it's like subspace. Kate always gets me into subspace when she ties me up. I feel like I'm floating. And she always holds me."
"Awww!" they both coo.
"Dammit, you two are so fucking cute!" Nicole cries. "I'm so jealous!"
"I had no idea Kate was actually a rigger," Kara chuckles. "If she wasn't so possessive of you, I'd say you guys should be in the next shibari show."
"Yeah, she'd never let anyone see me like that," I agree.
"Is she really that possessive?" Nicole asks.
"Yes," Kara and I both say.
"She doesn't loan any of her things out," Kara says.
"She makes sure everyone knows I'm taken," I add.
"She doesn't like to share food with anyone-"
"Yeah, she's crazy about you," Kara smirks. "Seriously. I mean, she was the older, better-behaved sister."
"You'd think she would've turned out to be super generous," Nicole jokes.
"She is," I argue. "I mean...she CAN be selfish about some things. But she really is generous. Like how she took care of all those subs when they were so upset." Kara flushes and looks down at her hands. "And even though I'm the sub, she always focusses on me and what I want. She's always trying to make me happy."
My friends' teasing smiles disappear. Kara messes with her hands as Nicole looks away. I start to wonder just how much they really know about Kate. How much is heresay from the club, and how much is stuff they've heard from their partners.
"Yeah, that sounds like Kate," Kara smiles softly. "Hannah told me that she and Kate were roommates in college. Kate had just come to terms with the fact that she and her family were...disconnecting. She was taking in dumped girls and lonely girls and pretty much any girl that would take her. Most of them used her, spread rumours that she was a slut. A few of them really cared about her and really liked being with her, but they went back to their boyfriends eventually.
"Hannah said...as soon as they got out of college, Kate just stopped. Stopped taking in girls altogether, like she stopped believing it was worth it." She looks up at me with pink cheeks. "She took me that one night, gave me to Hannah, then didn't take anyone in until she met you."
Nicole lets out a low breath, "Whoah. That's heavy."
I nod my head. "Yeah, yeah, it is."
When I get home that night, Kate is on the couch, typing away for her blog. She turns and smiles at me. "Welcome home, baby. How was girls' night?"
I take off my shoes and hang my jacket up, yawning as I walk around and plop down beside her. "It was exhausting. We always get talkative when we bust out the vodka."
"You didn't drive drunk, did you?" she asks firmly.
"No, I didn't drink much. I promise. Had to drive Nicole home, though," I tell her, resting my head on her shoulder.
"At least she's not getting smashed as much as she used to, right?"
"Yeah, a LOT less," I say. "And I think Damien will keep an eye on her."
She hums in agreement, saving her work and setting her laptop on the coffee table before wrapping her arm around me. "Did you eat anything? Want me to make you something before you go to bed?"
I shake my head. "I'm tired. I just wanna cuddle."
She chuckles and kisses the top of my head. "Yes, my princess."
I stare in horror at the pile of fallen books and broken figurines. My legs are shaking. My brain is telling me to run, to hide, but I can't move. I think I'm crying, and I'm surprised I can even see the mess in front of me. I can't believe I thought I could push the bookcase myself. I can't believe I did this.
My heart stops when I hear Kate running out of the bedroom. "Zoe! Zoe! Are you ok?!" She runs around the mess and grabs my shoulders, my face, looking me up and down. "Zoe, talk to me, baby. Are you hurt? Did anything hit you? Are you ok?"
I find myself nodding. "'m ok," I mumble.
She sighs and hangs her head. My stomach sinks. She's mad at me. She's disappointed in me. She's going to throw me out. I've never made this big of a mistake before. She definitely hates me now. Why would she want such a klutz around the house? I'm nothing. I can't even clean right.
She wraps her arms around me and rubs my back. "God, baby, don't scare me like that. I thought the bookshelf had fallen on top of you. I would've had a heart attack."
I can't quite sob, so I just sniffle. "'m sorry. 'm sorry."
"Shh, shh shh, you didn't do anything wrong. It was an accid-"
"No, it wasn't! I thought I could move it so I could get figurine that fell behind it and everything just-!" My lungs burn as it gets hard to breathe. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't hate me!"
"Zoe! Zoe! Look at me right now!" She takes my hands and holds them together, and I feel my mind snap into focus. I look up at her and try to calm down enough to pay attention to her. Her face is firm, but her eyes are still warm. "Zoe, I don't hate you. And this IS an accident. Did you WANT to make all the books fall over?" I quickly shake my head. "Then it was an accident. And I will never hate you for an accident."
"B-But your books, a-and your figurines-"
"My babies will be fine," she smiles, rubbing large, soothing circles into my back. "And my figurines, well, if any of them are broken, I can either glue 'em back together of I'll learn to live without 'em. What matters to me is that you didn't get hurt." I close my eyes as she leans down to kiss my forehead.
But I still feel like my stomach is in knots, like my skin is crawling. I look up at her and bite my lip. "I can't calm down," I whimper.
"You want me to tie you up?" she offers. "You don't deserve a punishment if you didn't do something wrong."
I nod my head, my hands shaking as she lets go of them to wrap her arm around my shoulders and leads me to the bedroom. She picks me up and lays me on the bed, then tells me to take off my clothes. I swallow nervously; she's never tied me up naked before. But I trust her, and I really need this right now. It takes me a little longer than normal since my hands are shaking, but she's patient with me, going to the closet to take out the box of ropes and our book of patterns. By the time I'm laying on the bed completely nude, she has the white rope and a page picked out.
Before she does anything, she crawls on top of me and kisses me, soft and warm, but too short. She looks down at me with what I've started her "Dom" look, where her eyes are large and hard, and she only smiles when she's really teasing me.
She leans back so she's straddling me and grabs the white rope. "Prayer position," she orders.
I immediately do as she says, my breath making my arms bob up and down, but she doesn't say anything about it as she starts to wrap the rope around my thumbs, wrists, and forearms; then has me sit up to knot the rope and criss-cross the knots across my shoulders and chest, cupping my breasts. I close my eyes and flush in embarressment.
"Keep your eyes open," she orders, and I obey, shivering. "Good girl. Lay back down."
She finishes the criss-cross pattern down my abdomen, then wraps the rope around my hips, and moves down to wrap my thighs seperately, then goes down to tie my ankles together, and that's where she stops. She tests all the lengths, asking me if anything feels too tight, and I shake my head, my face still bright red. I'm naked and tied up. What is she going to do to me?
She leans over me again and pulls my hair away from my face and neck. "Are you all right with me putting a blindfold on you?" she asks, still using that firm voice.
I start to breathe fast again, and the rope around my chest and ribcage makes it a bit hard. "W-Why?"
She cups my cheek and kisses my forehead. "I need you to calm down, Zoe. You're not calming down. I'm trying to help you. Do you trust me?"
Of course I do. Of course I trust her. I trust her with my life. I love her. She's my dom, my girlfriend, my partner. I nod my head. "Yes," I whisper.
She kisses my forehead again. "It won't hurt you. It's silk. You could even wear it to bed as a sleep-mask," she smiles, getting up and going back to the closet. I can't lift myself up to see what she's doing. A few minutes later, she comes back with a black, silky blindfold. "Lift your head," she tells me.
I do so, my breath coming out fast again as she slips the blindfold over my eyes and suddenly I can't see anything. She ties it behind my head and gently lays me back down. I can't see anything even if I open my eyes as wide as I can. I can't tell if she's getting out her cock or touching herself while I'm lying here helpless. I can't tell if she's getting out whips or a feathers or who knows what else. Am I hyperventilating? I have to be hyperventilating. It's too much. I can't move! I can't see! It's scary!
I freeze. Kate's hands ligtly -so light I can barely feel them- run across my shoulders. Scary, what is she going to do? Is she going to hold me down until I pass out?
"Zoe, you need to calm down. Breathe. That's all you have to do. Breathe. Just breathe. Listen to me. Breathe."
Breathe? Why? She's going to hurt me!
Her hands run down my chest, her palm flicking across my nipples and making me gasp, then meet my sides and start to gently massage. Not enough to hurt or tickle. I'm hyperaware of how her hands move everytime I take a short, gasping breath.
"Breathe, Zoe. That's an order. In through your nose, out through your mouth."
She keeps her hands on my sides, never moves them. So I do as she says and try to breath in through my nose and out my mouth, like I've learned in my classes. At first it's really hard, especially with the ropes around me. But she keeps massaging my sides and encouraging me and it feels like hours but I finally start to breathe slow and in time with her.
"Good girl. Very good girl. You did such a good job. I'm so proud of you."
My head is really light and my throat is dry from breathing so rough. But as she kisses my forehead, I can't help but sink into the bed and relax. I made her proud. I calmed down. I close my eyes and let myself focus on the hold of the ropes. With my clothes off, I can feel the slight scratchiness of the hemp, but it feels nice, real. She tied the knots tight, especially around my chest, like a tight hug. It feels good. Kate keeps one hand on my side and moves the other down my hip and leg and back up in a soothing rhythm. Every inch of me goes limp as my mind goes blank.
"That's it. Good job. My good girl." I feel her hair tickle my chest before her lips touch my collarbone, warming me all the way to my toes. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay right here and won't let anything happen to you."
I trust her. I love her. My dom. My Kate. I'll do anything she says. She'll never hate me. I lick my lips and just be, just let Kate touch me and coo to me. My breathing is even and deep, my heart slow. I keep my eyes closed, even though I know if I opened them I still wouldn't be able to see anything. It's like another reminder of Kate. Of her control. She's always here, always here to take care of me.
Everything is quiet and dark. Kate's hands are warm on my sides. I can feel her hair on my shoulder and chest, her breath warm on my neck. I feel safe. Kate won't do anything to hurt me. Kate will always take care of me. She's all around me, holding me, touching me, controlling me. I'm hers.
I don't know how long I'm floating weightless in the dark; maybe for days. But then Kate's hands are leaving my sides and moving up to cup my cheeks. I obediantly purse my lips to kiss her. "I'm going to untie you now. You're going to stay blindfolded until I'm done." My tongue feels too heavy to use, so I just nod slowly.
I stay relaxed as she moves down and goes backwards, untying my ankles, my thighs, my hips, undoes the criss-cross patterns across my abdomen and chest, and slowly unties my arms and wrists. I keep my hands up. I can't tell what she does with the rope. Her hands gently take my wrists and ease my arms to my sides, letting some blood flow back into my hands and fingers. She massages my forearms and palms a little before reaching up to cup my cheeks again.
"I'm going to take the blindfold off now, and you're not allowed to talk. You're going to listen to what I say, and when I'm finished, I will let you speak," she tells me. I nod again. She shifts her hands beneath my head and unties the blindfold before pulling it away. I blink my eyes open, reaching up to rub them when her image is really blurry at first. She's sitting just beside me, her eyes red, like she's a moment away from crying. Why is she so upset? I part my lips to ask her, but I quickly remember I'm not allowed to speak.
She sighs and rubs my cheek. "I'm not mad at you, Zoe," she whispers. "I want you to understand that. And I want you to understand that you don't always need to worry about me hating you if you make a mistake. There are very few things that can make me hate you, Zoe. Accidentally knocking over some books is definitely not one of them," she smirks, but it quickly goes away.
She sighs again and leans down to gently kiss me. Her lips are soft, but not as warm as they usually are. When she pulls away, she looks down at me with tears in her eyes. "I don't want you to be scared of me. Of what I might do to you. I love you so much, Zoe. Fuck, I love you. I would never hurt you." She hiccups, and a couple of her tears fall onto my cheeks. "All I wanna do is tuck you into bed and make sure you have enough food and that you're warm and safe and when you get so scared like that I don't..." She covers her eyes with her hand and grits her teeth to hold herself together, but she's not very good at it.
I reach up and run my hand over her hair. I don't like it when she cries. She doesn't do it often. It's scary; it's like when you see your dad cry after years of thinking he's the toughest guy in the universe. But it reminds me that she's just as vulnerable as I am.
When she's collected herself, she removes her hand and sniffles, looking down. "I love you, Zoe. I'm yours...You may speak now."
I wrap my arms around her neck, and she pulls me up with her and wraps her arms around me so she can hug me. "I love you," I mumble against her shoulder. "I trust you. I just...get scared that I'm not...good enough."
She rubs the small of my back and kisses my temple. "Why do you think that, sweetheart?"
I pull at some of her springy curls. "'Cause I don't like a lot of stuff...and we haven't even made it through half of the stuff on our list," I say, my cheeks turning pink.
My chest fills with gooey warmth when she kisses my temple. "Baby, our contract isn't an end-all-be-all. We can change it if you want to. And there's no time limit on it. AND we don't have to incorporate every little thing into a scene. We can move at our own pace."
I melt against her, wanting nothing more than to just fall asleep here in her arms. "So...I'm not...weird?"
"Baby, I'm pretty sure you're the normal one in this relationship," she chuckles.
After we cuddle for a little longer, she gets me under the blanket and makes me some hot chocolate and runs her fingers through my hair as we both share a plate of cheese and crackers. This particular pattern left marks on my skin, especially on my abdomen and thighs, but I like them. They're like a reminder of what we talked about, about how much Kate loves me.
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