For the next several weeks, I read everything on Kate's blog about dom/sub relationships. I feel like I should actually be talking with her about it, but she's basically put her life's story on here; she got into the lifestyle when she was a teenager, soon after she realized she was interested in women. At the time, she still thought she was into men, too, so she thought dominating them was the perfect outlet for her feelings. But she never got the chance to dominate a man because she came to the realization that she was a lesbian when she dated a guy and got her first kiss and nearly threw up. ("I'm pretty sure that no matter how many times you kiss someone, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it's a sign", she'd said.) She found a lot of comfort in flirting with women, especially since they tended to have boyfriends who treated them like shit. She was a rebound girlfriend a lot, apparently, but she just wanted to make girls happy. After college, she stopped doing that, though.
With her little bio out of the way -and wiping tears from my eyes, because I can't believe how unselfish my girlfriend is-, I continue on with the rest of her blog, finding pictures of dom/sub couples -some male/male, some female/male, and some female/female; most in domestic settings like one painting the other's nails or giving the other a massage, others kneeling at the other's feet, and one or two in a sexual setting that I usually quickly scroll over, my face on fire. I don't think I'm ready for that yet.
There are terms and definitions that I read over extensively. There are actually a lot of things that cover this whole BDSM world that Kate apparently belongs to -although according to this, we really only make up the DS part. But there are a lot of terms that I obviously need to be aware of, like safe words and fetishes and toys and bondage...and discipline. I shudder as I keep finding pictures of men and women tied up in intricate knots and handcuffs. Will Kate want to do that to me if I misbehave? Will I like that?
I try to focus on finding the "vanilla" stuff Kate mentioned. It's hard. But I do find it. The stuff that subs can do for their doms in everyday life; cleaning the house: done, preparing a bath for her: sounds fair, painting her nails: of course I would do that, giving her a massage: no problem, making meals: also fine. So far these sound perfectly acceptable. Then I get to the less "vanilla" stuff. Preparing toys ahead of time, wearing a uniform while I do chores, wearing a collar, being walked around on a leash, that kind of crazy stuff. Nope. I really hope Kate isn't into that.
"You've been really tense lately," Kate points out one night. She and I are sitting on the couch, nearly a foot apart as we watch "The Avengers". "Are you ok? Is there something wrong?"
I quickly shake my head, my heart picking up. "No, nothing's wrong!"
"Zoe, honey, you're still not a very good liar, you know," she smirks, turning slightly to me and pulling up her leg. "What's wrong? You know you can tell me anything."
"I read all the stuff on your blog," I word vomit, my face turning into a tomato. Fuck, why can't I control my mouth? She just blinks and nods, like she's waiting for me to continue. I take a deep breath and try to keep going. "Um, I was trying to understand this whole 'dom/sub' thing, and I thought the best place to go was your blog. And I found a lot of interesting things that I DO wanna talk about w-with you and stuff, but there was also stuff on there that um, made me wonder if, if that was stuff you wanted to do me," I finish, my stomach tightening into familiar knots. What will Kate say? Will she want to break up if I don't want to do the things she wants? Will she find someone else? I've been thinking about these things a lot lately.
"Zoe, sweetheart," she sighs, shaking her head. "First things first: I want you to come talk to me, ok? About whatever's on your mind. I don't care what it is or how scared you are of how I might react, you come talk to me. I don't want it to eat at you like this. Understand?" Not sure if I'll actually do it or not, but knowing she won't keep going unless I comply, I nod my head.
"Good," she smiles. "Second: not everything on my blog is for me. I post some things on there for my followers, too. Like, come on, why would I put stuff on there for hetero couples when I am clearly never going to be in a relationship with a man?" she smirks.
I wipe my eyes with the heel of my hand and sniffle, feeling my heart trying to go back to normal. "Y-Yeah, that makes sense."
"I have a lot of followers in all kinds of relationships, so I try to add stuff that applies to them," she tells me. "And, yes, a lot of it is stuff I enjoy, but that doesn't mean that it's stuff we have to integrate in our relationship. Remember what I said, we have to talk about this stuff, honey. NOTHING happens in a relationship like this without consent, understand me, Zoe?"
I quickly nod my head. "Y-Yes."
She looks at me hard for a minute, then sighs. "We don't have to jump right into the heavy stuff, Zoe. Like I said, I'm happy where we are right now. Shit, the stuff you've read...Did you read the stuff for beginners?" I nod my head, and she rubs her temple. "Read it again, and really read it, and I want you to come back to me with questions. Do NOT be afraid to ask me questions, Zoe. I'm your girlfriend first, and your dom second, always understand that."
I lean into her hand as she runs her fingers through my hair. I've definitely calmed down, knowing that she WANTS me to ask her questions, that she's all right with staying like this until I'm comfortable enough to move further into this kind of lifestyle.
"I'm sorry," I mumble, resting my head on her shoulder.
"Why do you feel sorry, baby?" she asks me, kissing the top of my head.
"'Cause I don't know how to be a sub," I whimper.
"Actually, sweetheart, that's not true," she chuckles. "You've been submitting to me since day one. If you wanna get biological or whatever, you tilt your head down and expose yourself to me all the time. You always do what I say, without question. The very first time I made you sit on the couch and serve your 'punishment', you took it. You've been doing better than you think."
I smile despite myself, becaue no matter what, I love being praised by her. "So, you think when we get into the...heavy stuff...?"
"Well, we don't have to get into the crazy stuff, but, yes, I do think if we get farther, you'll be a natural, sweetheart," she smiles. "And I swear I won't push you into anything. We'll go slow. We have plenty of time."
"And, I can ask you anything, right?"
"Yep. I'm pretty much an open book, sweetpea."
"...How...How many girls have you...dominated?"
She hums and wraps her arm around my shoulder. "Umm, ten. No. Eleven. Yeah, eleven. They were all college girls that were cheated on by their boyfriends and knew that I would help them forget. I just...offered an outlet for the both of us. And as soon as I was out of college, I stopped."
"Did you love any of those girls?" I ask, picking at my fingernails.
She takes my hands and threads her fingers with mine so I can't mess with my nails anymore. "I loved two of them. Not enough that I saw a future with them, but I did love them for the time."
I nod my head, grateful that she's holding my hands. Hers are so warm and don't shake. "So, it's definitely safe to assume you're not a virgin, huh?" I smile.
She grins and shakes her head. "Nope. Lost it my first year of college and didn't look back."
My cheeks turn pink as I look away. "I haven't lost it yet."
"Well, I'd be honoured to be your first, sweet girl."
She still makes me feel amazing, like she's my princess charming. "I know I sound like a moron, but I know porn is shit, so...what's it like?"
She smiles and lets go of my hands, holding her arms out to me. I happily crawl into her lap and nuzzle against her neck as she hugs me. "First off, everyone's first time is different, and I know that sounds cheesy, but it really is the truth. I went around asking all my friends what their first time was like and they all said different things and mine turned out to be different, too."
"What was yours like?" I ask.
She hums and rubs between my shoulders. "Well, it was...It was hot." I can't stop myself from laughing. "Hey, don't laugh," she chuckles, tickling my sides. "It WAS hot! I mean, it's two people touching and kissing and connecting in the most primal way. It was me touching another woman intimately for the first time, so of course I was terrified that I was gonna mess it up. But I trusted my partner, and she trusted me, and we actually kept having to stop and laugh because her bed was so small and I kept falling off until we found the right position. But when we got it right, it was RIGHT. It was...It was just hot."
I stay quiet, trying to imagine what sex with Kate would be like, without the crazy stuff I've read about; just me and her, wrapped up in each other, her hands all over me. I shiver at the thought of her mouth all over me. Yes, that's something I definitely want.
"I just...think I wanna get comfortable with all this first," I tell her. "How much does this...carry over into the bedroom?"
"Honey, it basically LIVES in the bedroom," she tells me. "Almost the entirety of the BDSM world lives in the bedroom. There are MILLIONS of ways I could pleasure you with the props and scenes I know, but we don't have to if you're not comfortable with that." She pauses for just a second, then suddenly jolts and snaps her fingers. "I'll make you a checklist! Several! In advance! Shit, that sounds stupid, but you're good with lists! I know it's early, but this will definitely be good for you!"
"What will?" I ask, unable not to smile at her childlike enthusiasm.
"A checklist of sexy stuff," she explains. "Buttloads of it," she adds with a grin, earning a poke in her side from me. "Sorry, couldn't help it. Basically, I'll make a list of all the things I can think of that involve sex that I think we could get into, lesbian-wise, kinks, and dom/sub-wise, blah, blah, blah, you get my drift?"
I shrug my shoulders. "Sorta? Like a checklist of 'nipples', 'eating out', and shit like that?"
"Exactly! Good girl! I'll print you out a checklist, and you check off things you feel you'll be comfortable with. Come talk to me if you're unsure about anything, and present it to me. This is not a final thing. We're still gonna be totally fucked when it actually comes to getting in bed, but it'll make BOTH of us feel better, ok? AND, I'll make multiple copies so every few months you can tell me what more you're comfortable with."
I roll my eyes, but I do actually like this idea. "At least I'll know all the crazy kinks you like all in one go."
"There you go. You'll get to know I have a huge thing for biting the insides of thighs."
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