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so my Daddy found my DA yesterday and read my post about him! ahhh, I was so embarrassed and he felt so bad because he thought it was like reading my diary, and ahhhhh! It's ok, though, I just had no idea he'd even know about my DA. Had a lot of fun with him today, we even watched a funny show and took a bath together. I had a really good day. I hope every day is this nice.
  • Reading: our texts from today
So, it's been a while since I posted a journal. Here's what's new: I'm doing much better mentally. I'm on very good meds and therapy, and I have a goal to move away from my family once I save up enough money. Get a cheap apartment close to the campus of the college I'm gonna finish at. Then it'll be Massachusetts to be an actress like I've always wanted to be!
Other than that, uhh, I joined a chat forum for people who are into Daddy Dom/Little Girl, mostly out of curiosity and wanting to belong to a community that I felt would understand that I freakin' love little girl things and being small and precious. So, within the first few days, I was getting friend requests from Daddies all over the place, and I talked with one for nearly a week, but he was a jerk and ignored me. But, right around the time I was ending it with that guy, another Daddy contacted me, and we've been talking ever since. He's now my Daddy and he calls me "baby" and his princess and he talks with me about things I like and reminds me to eat and do my best to make him proud. Now, he's fifty, which at first he thought would cause a problem, especially since he wanted this to be a sexual thing, too. But after assuring him it was no big deal to me, he became my Daddy and I became his Princess. We're trying to take things kinda slow, especially since, wow, he lives in the UK! But he's so so sweet and honest, and we Skype everyday and doesn't judge me for what I like. He's into much heavier BDSM than I am, but he understands when I don't like something. We're also into kitten play, which is new for me, but I really like it. And I love to tease him with my ears and my teething toys. I just really wanted to tell SOMEBODY about it because I feel so excited and happy and I have someone watching over me!
  • Watching: The Jungle Book -new one
I'm trying to move away from everyone, so maybe I'll be happier on my own. I've decided to follow my dreams and be an actress, and it turns out it won't be so hard. I'm looking at jobs I can do online to make some money in-between shows. I'm gonna try to focus on myself and not worry much about my family.
  • Watching: Frozen musical
I think I've been stuck with a toxic family my entire life. I moved away from my mom because I thought it was just her that was the problem. Turns out it's also my grandma. I don't trust anyone in this family. I feel like I step on eggshells around them, in case they don't like what I say. I always feel like I wanna get away from them, like simply being in their presence drains me. I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember I was always getting away from my family, either through playing with friends outside or being up in my room watching movies and playing with imaginary friends. I was recently in the hospital because of suicidal thoughts, and one of the counselors there even told me that I just went from one house of pain to another. I need to get away from them so badly. But I feel trapped and obligated because they're my family and they're all I've ever known. is that Stockholm Syndrome or remnant feelings after years and years of abuse? I don't know
  • Watching: Markiplier
I recently came to the realization that a good portion of my mental issues are solely because of my mother. I mean, I've talked to my counselor before, about how she ignores me, how she doesn't feel like a mother, how she doesn't feel loving or emotionally "there". She'd always just told me to try and get to know my mom better, to spend more time with her, like there was nothing wrong with the way my mother raised me. I bought a book called "Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters" by Susan Forward. At first, I didn't find any of these types of mothers fit my situation, maybe the "neglect" portion. And then I made it to the third chapter, about mothers who need mothering, and my eyes were opened. I had known for years that I'd grown up too soon, that I'd had to practically raise myself outside of my physical needs. She cared for those, of course, but when it came to me, the real me, it was like she was never there, or she never believed me and just dismissed my dreams and opinions as fantasy or something. I'd grown to please her, to keep my mouth shut so as not to upset her, to do what she wanted so she didn't scold me. I'd grown asking her what she wants, seeing to her needs, and it only got worse when my brother was born. Who played with him? Who watched over him the most? Who made sure he was well-entertained? Me. When our dad lived with us for a brief time, who was the one who had to calm her baby brother when he was sobbing as our parents were fighting in the other room? That's right, me. And as we got older, and Mom kept dating men who yelled at her, who did my brother run to in fear? Me. Oh, and who was I more scared for? Me or my mom? That's right, my mom. I became a mini-adult, taking care of her emotional needs and my brother's before mine. And then, when she met her new guy, it was like I wasn't needed anymore. She only paid attention to him, only had time for him, only smiled and laughed and was passionate for him. She never even fucking noticed that her own daughter was spiralling so far down into depression that she was cutting herself and seriously considering suicide. Literally the only thing keeping me from doing that was the thought of my brother being forced to live my life and deal with the consequences by raising our mother himself. But I left. I was sucking in so much toxic neglect and emotional abuse that I had to leave her or I wouldn't even care about my brother and just end my life, letting her find me and just wondering how she'd react. I left, and yet she's still a heavy weight on me. I'm still incredibly depressed. Being around her at all makes me feel like shit. I feel like I have to prove myself, like I have to say things and do things just right or she'll either ignore me and scold me for being so different. I have to get even father away. I have to leave her behind, to set myself free from the burden of her and finally live my life free of this woman who took away so much of my joy already.
  • Reading: "Mothers Who Can't Love"
  • Watching: Cuthroat Kitchen
I must be driving my poor doctor mad. I now have to visit two other doctors for my fracture feet and the possibility of me having rheumatoid arthritis. How do I handle all this pain! Now just typing and writing while laying in bed causes a lot of pain.
I feel like I'm becoming extremely isolated. I don't spend time with family unless I really feel like; and I only go out with friends if I feel up to it, and that's not often. I spend so much time in my room on my laptop. I honestly just wanna sleep all day everyday. I miss wanting to do things and enjoying going places. I miss just enjoying anything outside of sleep and watching movies. I'm on anti-depressants and trying to keep my anxiety levels down, but some days I just wanna sleep for years and wake up when I have someone who's able to pull me out of this funk and actually shows how much they care about me.
Haven't had tonsillitis since I was a kid, and now I've been stuck in bed for the past three days. Went to the doc yesterday and she said my tonsils were the gunkiest she'd ever seen. I'm on meds and fluids and all kinds of crap, but it hurts just to swallow and that makes eating a challenge. Had to miss three days worth of work 'cause of these things!!
  • Watching: "House, M.D."
  • Eating: mac and cheese....barely
My dad was pressuring me to stay in-state, while my mom was pressuring me to go out of state. Now both my mom AND grandma are questioning if I should just stay here! Excuse me, it's not your decision! And I made up my mind a looooong time ago that I was going to finish college out of state and never look back. I know they just worry about who will help me if I'm in a bind, but honestly, my aunt is only, like, an hour away, and I'm sure she'd be glad to help. Relax yourselves, everyone. I'm not leaving the country. And I'll only be a day's trip away for everyone else anyway.
ANYWAY, I submitted the first chapter on a story I've been working on since...yup, since Thanksgiving. I only have a few chapters actually typed up because I have a hard time getting my characters to work with me! Just go where I tell you to and do what I tell you to! Don't change the story as you go! Oh, wait, that's me. I have six different endings in mind, and they all sound fantastic. I may upload more chapters if anyone actually reads the first one. I feel like I just post to the void.
Ok, sad feelings aside, I saw "Deadpool" today! It was basically everything I wanted! Dirty jokes, breaking of the fourth wall, his backstory -including a nude fight scene-, and just tons of him whipping his katanas and guns around. It was fabulous, and I already can't wait for the sequel. Yes, you heard me. Sequel. With Cable. Going to be hilarious to watch them interact!
  • Listening to: "1 Hour of Epic Magic Music" - Peter Grundy
I love songs that get me pumped and proud to be a woman and all that, 'cause most of the time I feel like shit and just wish I was this grumpy little old man that can get away with shutting himself in his house and everyone being fine with that. How many people in my family have told me to get out of my bedroom? How many times have they told me that I need to get out more? Excuse me, but I do believe I'm an adult and can make my own choices, and if one of them happens to be spending my free time writing, inspiring myself or making myself feel better on Pinterest, or watching Disney movies that make me feel good, that's none of your damn business. If I actually want to do something, I will get up and damn do it. (I do now have serious back pain from sitting in bed all the time, though.)
So, I got accepted into the university I applied for, and I did a little happy dance and can't wait to leave this dull, depressing place behind. I'm living on campus for the first year, which means I have to live in a dorm, which I'm avidly against, but I guess I'll just have to suck it up. I just really don't wanna live with a stranger. I'm sure before I actually move in, I'll have known who my roommate is and spoken to her over Facebook or something so we can arrange things, but if that doesn't happen, I'll be moving in with a stranger. My friends have been making jokes and telling me not to hit on her or something. I just grin and whine, "But what if she's hot?!" I just like to aggravate them. I know I won't hit on my roommate unless it's playful. I can't help but flirt with everyone, and I like making girls feel good about themselves.
Anyway, Yule, Christmas, New Year's, and Imbolc have all passed, and I had fun on all of them. Well, except Imbolc; I cleaned my room as part of my day, and that just made my calves hurt like hell from going up and down stairs all day. But, hey, my room is now much cleaner, and that's worth the pain, right? Up next is my birthday!
I've been thinking a lot about my dad, about how to come out to him. I mean, in my old car he borrowed once, I had an air freshener that was rainbow and said "So gay I can't even drive straight", but apparently that wasn't enough to convince him. I really wanna tell him before I move, in case I bring a girlfriend home or something for a holiday. Like, what kind of surprise would that be? He'd probably think I'd been experimenting in college or something, instead of actually having felt this way about women my whole life. He should've wondered why I wanted to watch Disney princess movies so often and never actually paid any attention to the men. I mean, to put it in labels, I'm a polyamorous, panromantic, demisexual, lesbian. So, I can be in a relationship with more than one person, I'm romantically attracted to basically everyone -regardless of gender or sex, I don't become sexually attracted to someone until I know them well enough and have formed an intimate relationship with them, and I am exclusively sexually attracted to women. There it is, plain and almost simple. I have a lot of crushes on fictional and real men, and that doesn't make me straight. I like yaoi and I see no problem with that either. I don't even identify as a girl. I identify as genderqueer. If you walked into my room, you'd definitely say I'm a girl, but if you hung out with me and saw how I dressed everyday, you'd think, "Yeah, I don't even know". I'm comfortable with who I am. I like cute, pastel, soft, fluffy things. I like bright colours and Disney princess movies and long, delicate, poofy skirts and dresses. But I also love scary things and dirty jokes and video games. I like flirting with my friends and eyeing girls just like the guys. I love t-shirts and jeans and hoodies big enough to swallow two of me. I like my long hair and my big eyes and my pouty lips. I love that I sit "like a man" one day and "like a woman" another day. I'm just gonna be me, yeah?
Sorry, I know this was a huge post. I just had a lot of feelings! I don't like talking to anyone else about them because I feel like no one around me takes me seriously, and it hurts. When I was young, I always wanted to grow up just so people would listen to me, and now when I'm older, people still don't. My family thinks I don't need my medicine just so I won't be in pain physically or mentally. My grandma thinks going to physical therapy for my back is just costing unnecessary money. I can't wait to get away from everyone here. If I only speak or hear from them once a week, fine by me. I'll be happier with a new family at college.
  • Listening to: "Bitch, I'm Madonna" - Madonna
  • Eating: lactose-free cookie shake ice cream
ahh, it's a wonderful time of year...part relief from being out of classes and part stress from christmas shopping and not even celebrating the actual holiday. yule is tomorrow and i've got my own plans, christmas will be spent in wisconsin with my aunt, and then we're gonna see Lion King on broadway! Woop-woop! I haven't seen that since I was a little girl!
anyway, never try to explain the difference between gender and sex to a 14-year-old boy. he'll just tell you that he's decided to be a fish. and he didn't believe me when i told him i was gay. nope, never trying that again.
writing has been sooo hard lately. i keep going straight to romance, and i'm sooo fucking done with romance. i can't date anyone until i move so i don't have any ties, and then i'm afraid that no one will wanna date me when i move. i mean, i've had two guys in the past year that tried to get with me, but clearly that wasn't happening. no ladies want me? the university i'm moving to is super LGBT-friendly, which i hope means there'll be plenty of people that i may catch the eye of. but i always have doubts because of my past relationships. why didn't they want to stay with me? was i not good enough? it makes me afraid; like, will anyone ever actually want me?
ok, sad thoughts over. it's official, i'm both the easiest and the most difficult person in my family to shop for for christmas. seriously, i just want disney movies and emo CDs and gift cards to Hot Topic and Amazon. But when we have so many people in the family that wanna give me stuff, apparently, i need more than that. i'm sorry, but there's a lot of movies and CDs on that list, can't you guys split it up? at least it'll be easier on your credit cards than my brother's gift. i love him, but i've already told him that he's getting a gift card, and he was just fine with that.
  • Watching: "Kitchen Nightmares"
I've been thinking about death recently. A lot of funerals lately, some family, some not and I've just been hired to sing at them. But you sit there and watch everyone cry. Children don't. They sit there and look around just like me, wondering why. Why is everyone so sad? Someone died, we understand that. But why is it a sad thing? They're in a better place, aren't they? They're not suffering anymore.
I've been think about death. Namely mine. I never know if today will be a day when I can hardly walk or focus with my kneecaps misaligned and my literally continuous migraines. I don't know why I seem to have a new condition every year, even ones that my doctors can't explain why I've suddenly gained them. Asthma, eczema, lactose intolerance, misaligned kneecaps, mild scoliosis, unexplained continuous migraines, hairline fractures in both feet, slipping rib syndrome, depression, anxiety. I know I should be thankful I don't have cancer or something, but just going through the day with all of this feels like a battle. I have to put on a smile and ignore the pain from my head to my toes and tell everyone I'm having a great day when all I want to do is lie down and pray that not an inch of me wasn't throbbing in pain. And so I've begun to wonder if all of these things are just accelerating my deathday. I've always had a feeling I'd die early because of my conditions, but the more I seem to get, the more I seem to think "yes, I'm going to die soon".
i feel like i would love college so much more if it wasn't so damn expensive. seriously, why is there so much money involved in a two-year community college? it's causing so much stress, it's ridiculous...
the guy at work that was really sweet that everyone thought was gonna turn me "un-gay" has just informed that there is a girl in his neighbourhood that he might like, so i think i'm off the hook for now! hopefully now i can focus on school and just getting out of the state with no strings attached. when i move and get to where i'm gonna stay, THEN i'll see about dating, but not until i get settled and make sure i've got my school plans straight...get it...straight? i'm a genius!
it feels like my writing has been getting worse and worse, like i've lost my passion for it. i think it's stress and lack of sleep. maybe when everything gets settled, it'll get better; i don't know. i don't wanna give up. if i can't write out everything, i won't have a positive outlet for my emotions, and we know the negative outlet for those emotions is definitely not good.
2015 so far has been a year of stress and lesbian problems! well, that sounds like they go hand in hand, but well, y'know. finally figured out who i am, and it's a lot of weird terms, but they really make me feel better about who i am: polyamorous panromantic lesbian, and i know that sounds like a confusing mouthful of "what?", and my friends basically consider me Jesus -because I love everyone- but this is who I am. Not saying I'll be in a relationship with everyone whenever and wherever I want, but these are the terms that describe me the best. i'll be fine finding a girlfriend, but a guy who won't want to have sex? maybe even a couple of people who are ok with being in a relationship together? yeah...
i'm just gonna sit here and listen to music and wait until i have to go to work, trying to wait for inspiration to come to me, then work on four stories at the same time. i did in fact have the most social summer of my life, however! i went to movies and concerts, and i have one more to go to! went to warped tour again and was dying of heat exhaustion but i made it back alive! next concert is fall out boy!
  • Listening to: "Whip My Hair" - Willow Smith
  • Watching: "World's Dumbest"
So much has happened since my last entry! I've finally made up my mind that I'm going to be a kindergarten teacher! Hurray! (and Teach Me -the story that I've been submitting about Olivia and Mellissa- is basically based off a running joke that me and my friends are making that I'll be flirting with single moms ;) )
Anyway, besides that, yes, I've moved away from my mom, and I've been much happier because of that. I don't think she was specifically the reason I'm depressed, but being around her and her behaviour was certainly a factor that added to it, so keeping to a phone-based and see-each-other-every-few-days relationship has really helped keep me happy.
Men at work need to leave me alone. Seriously. I had, like, my one last test of "do I like men?" and dated a guy at work, and it was terrible. I felt so uncomfortable with him as soon as we started dating. Every time he touched me, every time he kissed me, I wanted to throw up. I broke up with him quickly. He started spreading rumours that my grandma -who also works with us- made me break up with him because she doesn't approve of him. I didn't tell him directly -though I should have, looking back on it- , but I told everyone else that I'm attracted to women and to please not go around telling him that he made me gay -because I honestly didn't see him like that; I had honestly liked him and wanted to see where we went, but there was no attraction and that made the relationship strenuous for me and that was why I broke up with him. We are actually polite to each other now. But now there is another guy at work, a very sweet guy, but I just know I need to tell him that there is never going to be anything between us. I was hoping that one of the othre guys that we work with would tell him, but apparently they think he's going to be the guy who turns me "un-gay" -the Hell?.
That's right, I'm still in college, and managed to finish my first semester successfully! Yay!
Anyway, with all this time on my hands, especially now that I'm on break, I find that I definitely work better at home, with only my laptop, YouTube, and Pinterest. I've been pulling ideas and finishing stuff I've never finished before! I'm so happy! And while I still write almost nothing but smut, I've been trying to focus on a delicate storyline as well.
I've decided that I don't wanna be a grownup. I can't decide if I want to be a photographer, a teacher, a psychologist, or anything else that would keep me from a cubicle! I don't like having to choose a career at such a young age before I even have the experiences that make me want to really do this job!
Writer's Block has been off and on with me for several weeks now, and it seems to just be working through emotional stuff that I'm going through; like heading right back into depression and searching for a job and trying to tell my mom that I want to move out of the house. It's not the worst situation in the world, of course, but it's my situation and I want out of it as soon as possible. I really can't stand living in this house with these people anymore. I can't stand it.
Besides that, gonna be in my current college's production of "Spamalot", which is a musical based on the popular movie, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". I hope it'll get away from this house for a while!
  • Watching: megamind
As I'm sure everyone knows, there have lots of terrorist attacks in Gaza, as well as Boko Harram making all kinds of Hell for many people, and now North Korea has made yet another nuclear threat against America. I suppose all of this made itself known in my dream last night.
I was at a very nice hotel with my family, and we were heading outside at night to just watch planes land (it's really calming), but instead, we witnessed a bomb landing and exploding very near us. We ran inside and tried to protect ourselves in the elevator, but many glass windows shattered and cut my legs really bad. By the time the elevator had reached the 13th floor (13 is actually my lucky number, but it could mean bad luck in my dream), I had a tourniquet around my left thigh to cut off the blood that was flowing down my leg, and we turned to look out at the windows down the hall to see another bomb going off in the city, as well as several planes beginning to fly above us. My subconscious told me it was Boko Harram, since the terrorists I began evading were similar to those in the videos released when the 200 schoolgirls were kidnapped.
Unfortunately, I was separated from my mom, and ended up running away with my dad and his side of the family. We managed to avoid the war for some time before we were found.  We were made to stand in lines and wait, and I was trying to keep a little girl that had lost her family already calm. We were to report our names, and if we were on the list, we would be kept alive. Mine and the little girl's names were not on the list, and we were to kneel along with many other people on the ground. My last words to the little girl were "You are beautiful. And I love you." And then we were shot.
I came back as a spirit (I think) to warn my dad that he would probably be shot, too. And then all I did after that was call for my mom and cry.
Could this just have been a super scary dream by an emotionally unstable woman? Or was this a premonition of upcoming events?
  • Watching: ed, edd, n eddy
Not really, it's too hot to be wearing so much black like I do in the fall and winter.
But, I've officially become a college student since I'm taking summer classes so I only have to take four classes in the fall. My first speech is on how to create a successful cosplay!!
I've been trying to decide what I really want to do with my future career plans. I really REALLY want to be an actress on Broadway, but I also REALLY REALLY want to be a freelance photographer -well, I'd be more happy taking pictures of nature mostly. Hence the amount of sky photos I continue to take and upload! But all of the jobs I'd love to do are either too cheap or hard to achieve, and therefore my folks are trying to make me take an office job or a fast-food job to pay for myself while considering my dreams as only hobbies. What's a girl to do?
  • Watching: ed, edd, n eddy
Sorry for the crazy long hiatus. I was   school and work and i was going through some tough stuff. However, be pleased that i have not stopped writing and submitting and new stories will be uploaded soon! My as improved greatly this past year! 
  • Reading: warm bodies
  • Watching: doctor who
woo hoo! school let out last week and i'm so ready for a summer of laziness....right after the washington youth summit on the enviornment...then i can be lazy!
spent the last 5 days in missouri for my mom and brian's wedding, six flags, shopping, and the city museum! had lots of fun!
well, i plan on applying for the university of minnesota for college, and i want to major in theatre and minor in communications (whatever that entails!) so i hope i can be an actress or at least a voice actor, or maybe a reporter, or even just a humble writer
k, so i started reading "warm bodies", and no i haven't seen the movie yet, but i absolutely love the book so far! (i'm already almost done and i just started earlier today!) i love how conflicted R is about death and hurting the Living, and i think it's really cool that Julie isn't a total girl about everything, gotta respect a chick who can hold herself together in the face of zombies-i know i would crap my pants! can't wait to get the movie next week!
i've also become obsessed with "teen wolf", yes the mtv version, so i can't wait for the next season to start next week as well! long live sterek!
hey, i've had this love for dystopian societies for a while, and i had this idea for a story for a couple of years, but over the weekend i was listening to my chemical romance-the cd with "sing" and stuff like that-and i kept thinking how cool it would be to use that cd as inspiration for the story, so like, the songs would be part of the story as if they were playing in a movie or something. the story, in only a few words and phrases: Normals and Freaks, war, boys love, revolution, life and death. see what you make of that while i decide if i can actually make a book out've this!i already have characters, a plot, what songs i'll use and where, and i'm still deciding if my main boys should die or not!
  • Listening to: ali project, akiko shikata, kalafina
  • Reading: warm bodies
  • Watching: teen wolf
well, tonight is my school's prom, but that's not what i'm going to! i'll go next year, but tonight, i'm going to post prom with a couple of my friends, so i'm actually submitting to my desire to be around people!
  • Watching: teen wolf